“Abuse isn’t gender specific. It’s a heart and soul problem, not a gender problem.”
For nearly fifteen years Ken tried to fix the problems with his wife. Increasingly, Ken found himself wondering if he had somehow overreacted to or provoked his wife’s yelling, insults, and physical attacks. He complied with her demand that he call her every day from work to check in. He worried when his children were alone with her. “I was like a drowning man, trying to save my family,” says Ken.
Things came to a head last winter, as Ken was out of work and his wife only seemed to worsen and become more aggressive. In November of 2014 Ken’s wife moved out, taking the children with her, which was contrary to what she and Ken had agreed to. She said that she needed time away from both Ken and the children to pursue her career unhindered, and that she just could not take it anymore. She said, “You and the kids are in my way and you are interfering with my parenting and my life.”
Without Ken as a buffer her anger turned on the children, particularly their son, who was 13 at the time. The final straw came when the boy locked himself in his bedroom and his mother beat down the door with a hammer. The police were called, and Ken took the children to live with him. Ken would later be granted a one year domestic violence protection order against his wife requiring supervised visitation with the children.
Ken was desperately searching for another job to support his family. Meanwhile his congregation helped him out, and he did yard work and other chores to help repay that support. At one point, Crisis Assistance stepped in, but when their aid ran out he still hadn’t found a job. They were about to be evicted. That’s when the property manager at his apartment told him about Community Link.
Ken got help through Community Link’s homeless prevention service, which helped pay for rent. He also got connected to other community resources: Legal Aid helped him get a protection order and put together his complaint to seek custody of the children. Loaves and Fishes provided food. The children are receiving intensive in-home therapy with Alexander Youth Network.
Nowadays, things are looking up for Ken and his children. Just a few weeks ago he landed a great job in his field. The children are doing well in school. Ken says he is working to establish “healthy authority” with his children. “I want my children to know that their value isn’t based on anything but themselves, that true love doesn’t come with conditions,” says Ken.
Ken wants to help others who are in situations like he experienced, and hopes to start a meetup group for dads coming out of similar abusive relationships with their partners or experiencing boundaries issues with their children where men can sharpen each other to be effective guardians, managers, and resources to their children. “I gave up so much, but the last thing I had to give up, the thing I held onto the longest, was hope she would change,” says Ken. He wants others in similar situations to be able to get to this point of acceptance, and to know that “they are not alone.”
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